I asked my daughter this morning, "Should I apologize to everyone, for the public retching I did the other day?" She said, "It is what it is, why do you have to feel sorry about it, or analyze it?"
So, I'm daring to stick my neck out, and say, Hey, the last 4 posts I've written were an experiment for me. I knew I was entering unchartered territory, at least writing about myself in a public forum, as well as the stream of consciousness writing that I engaged in. I didn't know how I was going to feel after posting, and I didn't know how ya'll were gonna feel about it either.
But, I risked it, and to tell the truth it was liberating. I shared my truth, as ugly as it was, and I didn't even say the F word. (Well maybe once) I was walking around with this stuff plastered behind a fake smile some of the time anyway. Next time you see me, I know I will be glowing just a little bit brighter.
Nao Bustamente, an artist who was on the Next Great Artist series, which was on TV awhile ago, she said, "I'm not responsible for your experience of my art." and that has kinda stuck with me today. "I'm not responsible for your experience of reading my blog." I mean that sincerely. Those of you who know me, know that I'm not an unkind person, and I had a dilemma about whether or not to say what I wanted, needed to say. Domestic violence and sexual abuse are not pretty topics. Period.
A good friend of mine was the only one willing to comment, "This was more than a sneak peak into you. I think I stuck my head down your throat and had a front row seat."
At first I felt ashamed, Oh my God, what have I done, I've verbally puked on all my readers. Ewwwwww But, I said to myself, No, I will not be ashamed of showing the world the damage that has been done to me, maybe sometime in the future I will be able to write about it with a little sugar on top, but I don't think so. Maybe with a little more finesse, I hope so.
Now that I have that off my chest, I want to get back to talking about what I love, and that's my art, my family and my friends. So, if you dare to still be my friend, and continue to read my blog, I can't promise I'll never upchuck again, but I'm in no hurry to do any stream of consciousness writing anytime soon!
1 comment:
Jane, you just keep vomiting this poison that has been eating away at your precious soul all these years. The more that is released, the "healthier" you will become. It was time, Jane, and I'm thankful that you have found an outlet in your blog. I can relate to the abuse (my first husband, although not quite to the extent of yours) and I still carry scars. You are an incredibly strong woman, Jane, and I so admire you for showing the courage to do this. You owe no apology to anyone! Be proud of the woman you have become despite what you've been through. Wear those scars with pride because they are proof that you've been beaten down but you are healing. Love, Lori
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